A long time ago, When I made this blog, I did so because I wanted to be able to let everyone in to what I was building here in my mind. I wanted everyone to see what the girl who barely speaks is really saying behind those endless abyssmal eyes.Not that it much matters, but just to share. I went back and read a lot of what I was saying, or feeling in that time, part of me feels nostalgic for it, for that time. The other half of me remains in the logic that it was all so...expected of a teenager, to be so oblivous and caught up in her own happening's that no one else matter unless they were adding to the fairy tale or taking from it. I realized what a spoiled, ungreatful brat I was. And that I didnt believe in proof reading much either. But most importantly, I relived some of my darkest hours, that I felt obliged to share, and I realized that it wasn't the end of the world. I had my feet swept out from under me, and  I wasn't sure, how to get up, or how many bones I'd broken in the process with all the change.

                     So, since that time, I've just buried myself, deeper and deeper into my writing, and the lives of my characters, I stay up all night long, retire at 8am, sleep all day snd do it all over  again, just writing, and imagining better lives(or worse) for people who don't exist, nor care.I was sitting in a pile of my papers, and the phone rang, which it hadn't in days because when they call I'm wrapped up in writing and am less social.One of my best friends, started to talk to me once I picked up the phone, and I was in shock at the sound of another human voice other than my own, and what was worse, I haven't talked to anyone else in so long, I forgot her name. or what she looked like.I forgot everyone's name. I thought I was making progress getting my writing on track, but I forgot really great people in my life. which bothers me, and I wont let it happen again.Unless the world should come crashing down on me again.

                 Also, I found that coming back to Xanga to kind of get back on what I started, I realized a lot of the peoples blogs I enjoyed reading, had indeed while I was in a my world, moved on. or had gone altogether.and so I wondered, wow...maybe while I was stuck in the mirror, everyone had been growing up.Growing out.Growing on. to bigger and better things.which made me think, Why am I still sitting here? waiting for the rest of whatever my story is to be written by a person who probably doesnt know a pen from a gun, and would thus kill whatever is left for me to do out there.

    While I was in my own world...where everyone's fate at the end of the day is decided by me and me alone.I was no longer just a teenager, i was a psuedo god but, I had grown.Iam growing.Everyone has already started, and I think it's my turn.Am I going to end this blog and go be...? No, but, I am going to breathe. and write. and breathe some more. and while I do that...the world will go on.And I'll be watching.

                                                       I've been writing a lot lately, you'd think I'd be writing on here since I've been writing so much, but frankly i got busy. Life had changed since i was writing here last, then i ahd my world figured out and nobody was questioning my logic...

But..life isnt supposed to be easy i guess.

my new goal?

to figure out how to get my life back the way it was last summer..

wish i was all figured out :/

                                  eh....i would of slept late and Jojo would hyave let me, he left, he's gone out with friends, and i dont ahve anywhere to go, an nothign to do.\

                        so i took a walk today.

             i walked a bout  six blocks down to my old street, i ahdnt been there in awhile, my brother, the tallest oen of my mosm kids, Manny was washign his truck, and for the life of me i dotn know why he wont let jobe buy him a nother one, maybe cause he was nearly born in that thing, maybeh cause it was our dads.

       we ended up on martha's front porch, though she was to busy moving things out fo the house, to notice me sittign there. they were moving, and by next week they'll live somewhere else, and soem stranger will live in my old home. where i fell down the stairs once, where my brothers and sisters grew up, where we all hated christmas, where dad used to livewith us. and the walls would be bear, and new people would pictures of their families up in our place.

 i guess im selfish for not wanting anyone to live there, manny led me up to my old room, the one where all my stuff had  been thrown away and once filled with boxes, but now was empty. manny left me alone. i walked  into the empty spaces. i laid down where my bed used to be.

on the wall along the floor line, in black pen, i had written a logn time ago 'Karma used to live here, dont forget" it was still there, i ahd written that because i was 8 at the time, and we had lost our last house, and i didnt want us to lose that one. an martha never noticed id done that.

my sister and my younger brother were runngin through the house, an dont get me wrong i love them, but i dont ahve any desire to live with my family again, me and joseph do just fine together.

i dont know hat made me walk all the way down to pagen street today, to remeber my old neighbors and long for my old room, and wish i was young again, but now, i realized this was probably the last time i would. because next week my family will be all the way on main street. and i cant walk there.

i went home, i had a  blister on my foot from my flipflops, and by then my love, jojo was home.

we sat at the table, ad he didnt make me feel insecure with his eyes, and he doesnt know soemtimes i feel that way, but i love him. that part is true.

the end of summer is coming, and that means were goign back to school, and going back to working during the weekdays, it also means he wont be takign anymore family vacatiosn with his mother, and im always greatful for that.

life isnt sucking right now. the bipolar me is on the abck burner and the real me just wants to remeber who ehr friends are. life has been diffrent and crazy, and so i spent today making amends with me and everyone like me, my old friends who didnt understand why sometimes i was happy and sometiems i wouldnt pick up the phone for days.

but hey, thats what friends are for, forgiving.